July 8, 2005
Day of the Shoppe Girl
Below you will find an entry from my paper journal which I started today to help me keep better track of what is going on in my crazy life!
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So my online therapist says that while it’s great that I have a blog, or journal, where I talk about myself in the first person that I tend to go weeks and sometimes months without updating it and that she has serious doubts that I just spend that time locked up in my room sleeping and not doing anything. So she told me since my old boss at the art gallery gave me this book that I should use it. I would like to point out that I have another journal too! But because that is a childhood or rather teenage journal where I was still busy and very learned in the art of hiding my emotions even from myself, that while the book is probably only 20 pages full I should close it and start this one. Okay I don’t really have an online therapist. I wish that I had one though. I know they are probably out there somewhere but I saw a news report one time about how you could totally be conned out of your money that way. I am sure it is true and I really should get a therapist but right now I’m kind of low on funds. Which brings me to the real reason for this book. I do have a blog, a very nice one actually. But sometimes I sit in front of the computer and I have no idea what to type and since I am not online all the time I need some way to record my thoughts so I can later put them online or rather on my blog. True I have a PDA, which I love very much but I hate the pecking, well it’s really more like poking at the right part of the screen. I can’t really do the graffiti on it and I mostly use it for keeping everyone’s phone number and my appointments straight. So writing it is. Until I can get a BlackBerry or Sidekick and figure out how to update via email. If I get a Sidekick I’ll have net access so that would be easy to update with but we’ll see what my funds allow.
Vincent called me earlier. He left a message because I didn’t pick up, but really what did he expect? We got the cell phones for a reason! So he wouldn’t have to call me from pay phones! Sometimes I wonder about him. Oh well he told me to pick up the next time even if I didn’t know the number. I’ll try, if he calls that is, he hasn’t yet!
My old therapist has told me that it was good for me to write down my thoughts and events of my day because I have this nasty habit of thinking of myself in the third person. Who does that? Well she told me that people like me, who have been traumatized with sexual abuse and rape and even some people who have been adopted start to try to disassociate themselves from their lives because they don’t want to own their trauma or feel like they don’t deserve the life that ahs been given to them through the adoption. So sometimes they think in the third person but that’s okay because it’s just their own mental defense trying to protect them and get them through the day. She then said that if I start to keep a journal even on a weekly basis it would help me to see that it was okay to own my life because I survived my rape and sexual abuse and because my adoption was a gift that no one can take away from me. That even if I didn’t talk about either thing in my journal it was okay because it would just be a tool for self-affirmation.
So that’s where I am and why I’m trying to scribble this down so I can later type it up for my blog. I really really want that BlackBerry or the SideKick. I’m not picky, I’ll take either. I do have to find out if I can go from a prepaid to a real plan. I’m not ready to try to cancel my Cingular phone plan but I do like my number so I have to make sure that I can keep that too. Right now I have birthday funds that I can use to get the SideKick which I think is slight beter than the BlackBerry because some of the new BlackBerrys don’t have real mini-keyboards and the SideKicks do.
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I wrote a lot more in my journal but I’m starting to fall asleep so I think that tomorrow I’ll finish up this entry. I just wanted to get some of it up before I went to bed.
TTYL!
Laterz!
Laney broke down at July 8, 2005 11:58 PM
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