April 3, 2005
It's raining in Boston fifty miles east …
Where you should be, no one's around
It's raining in Boston, baby
But everything else is the same
Counting Crows
I am serious, it’s been raining here all day and all night. It’s like the sky just opened up and started crying, maybe it’s sad cause the Pope died. Pope John Paul II passed away yesterday and the Catholics of the world grieved. They still are. Now I’m Catholic, I think he was a good man, he gave a lot of people faith, but honestly people, this should not come as a shock to you! The man has been through so much already, and they were talking about putting him on feeding tube. It was like Terri Shiavo all over again. Thankfully God has his way and John Paul II is now in heaven. I am happy for him because now he is with God now and God was such important part of his life, as he should be for all of us. I don’t think everyone should be grieving for him though. They should be joyful since he was able to pass peacefully.
I was talking to Carle though, and she brought up a very good point. He was a man, just a man. I think people in the Catholic religion forget that sometimes. I’m not sure what it’s like in other parts of Christianity but Catholics do pray to God but when we do things that are important like confess we do it to a priest, because apparently he is more connected to God than you or I. This is where I do not agree with my religion. I am very connected to God. I feel him, or her if you prefer, with me every day. He gives me strength to keep going sometimes. There are times when I do not listen to him, like when I’m with Vincent. But I truly belief that God loves me and will forgive me for my pre-martial indiscretion.
I know it all sound good right now. I have the same problems as everyone else does. I get mad at God, I mean I was rapped, I was sexual abused, where was he then, why didn’t he stop it? Well the answers are not simple. God can not control everyone, at least in my view. There is evil in the world, a presence about us that causes certain people to act in certain ways, ways that God cannot stop because these people have shut God out of their lives. Things like cancer, illness, death, well they are all parts of life, of being human. It’s like I read one time in the book Angels & Demons, at least I think it was, the character was asking about why bad things happen, how they can still believe in god when bad things happen to people. If you are a parent and you see you child trying to skate board and you know they are going to fall off do you stop them from falling off? No. Why? Because they need to learn how to use that skate board. Aren’t you worried that they will get hurt? Yes, but sometimes children have to get hurt in order to learn.
So yes, horrible things happen, but when they do they make us stronger, our will to survive, to keep going is tested. Our faith is tested. But we keep going, why? Because it is what we have to do. Why can’t the lesson be easy? I wish I knew. But I know that because of God I am able to wake up every morning and say to myself, today is another day that I made to. Today is another day that I am a survivor of sexual abuse and rape. I survived yesterday and I am going to survive today because God is with me, even if I ignore him, he will still love me.
Honestly, I sound like one of those door to door missioners, how evil! Oh well. It’s just how I feel about it. I’m not saying that anyone should feel the same way. My brother is an atheist, I would never make him go to church with me, especially when I hardly go myself. I would never talk about my beliefs in a way that would make him feel like I’m forcing them on him. I love him, I respect him and his choice. I don’t think he is a bad person because he does not believe in God. I don’t think he’s going to go out and commit crimes or anything. I do not think he is going through a crisis of faith and will one day wake up and be, God is with me. He is not a bad person because he doesn’t believe, and that’s just that. Do I think that God is still watching over him even though he doesn’t believe, that God protects him? Well yes, but only because I believe that God tries to protect all of his children. But he doesn’t have to agree with me in order for that to be true. Do I pray for him? Well yeah, but not as much, just kidding!
I don’t know, for me the whole thing is still very confusing at times. This is why I normally make posts like this. And why I don’t try to push my own beliefs on anyone. Live and let live!
God, lol, this post was really weird. I haven’t even talked about anything that happened to me today. Well not much. It rained, that was it. It rained and rained and then it rained some more. It’s raining right now.
Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with Genara and Gina from the art gallery. I think that we will have fun. I hope they don’t want to see my apartment afterwards though. It’s still a mess. I don’t feel like cleaning. Just sleeping.
Oh well. TTYL!
Laterz!
Laney broke down at April 3, 2005 3:45 AM
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